Everybody Loved Raymond… To Death!

aka RayAnimator

 

 

Cold Open

Interior: Ray and Debra’s kitchen

The front door bursts open. Marie enters, wearing her Sunday best and humming a happy tune while carrying a large casserole dish. Debra, alerted by the noise, looks up from her place at the kitchen counter, a slight scowl already present on her face.

 

“Marie, what are you doing? It’s eight in the morning, you’re going to wake the kids.”

 

Marie ignores her and walks over to the table, where Ray is sitting slumped over in a chair. He is pale, deathly white, and his right eye keeps twitching. His hair is matted and still packed with dirt. Marie bends over and plants a kiss on his forehead. It feels ice cold on her lips.

 

“Marie,” Debra repeats, the annoyance in her voice obvious to anyone but Marie. “Come on, it’s too early to be over here. Please, let us have some quiet time before the day starts.”

 

Marie frowns and holds up the casserole dish in her hands. “Sorry to be a bother dear,” she says, “I was just dropping by with this.”

 

Debra eyes her suspiciously. “And what is that, exactly?”

 

Marie shakes her head slowly, like she is dealing with an ignorant child. “You see dear, this thing in my hands is called a casserole dish. And do you know what people put in casserole dishes?”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience 

 

Debra throws up her hands in surrender. “No Marie, please do tell me,” she said sarcastically. “Just what exactly do people keep in a casserole dish? Please tell me, is it motor oil? Maybe important documents?”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience 

 

Marie either doesn’t notice, or doesn’t care, about the sarcasm. “No dear, you keep casseroles in there,” she said, drawing her words out slowly as if she were talking to a person who’s slow in the head. “Casserole. Casserole dish. Get it? See, there’s a hint right there in the name!”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Debra grumbles under her breath and returns to wiping down the kitchen counter. Marie sets the casserole dish down in front of Ray and smiles.

 

“Hope you enjoy this, I made it special for my baby boy.” Marie plants another kiss on Ray’s cool forehead. Ray groans in acknowledgment and leans forward to get a better look at the dish. As he does so, one of his ears falls off and plops into the casserole.

 

“Looks delicious ma,” Ray said in a faraway, nasally voice. Marie gives him another kiss, which causes another few bits of Ray to flake off.

 

“Marie, now you cut that out. He’s molting all over my table.” Debra comes over in a huff, pulling on bright yellow rubber gloves, and she begins to pick up the pieces of Ray from the table. Marie takes a step back and eyes Debra with judgmental eyes.

 

“You know dear, you really want to run a warm rag over the table once in a while and things wouldn’t stick to it so easily. Just a little advice for the future.”

 

Debra grimaces and continues to clean with clenched teeth. “Thank you Marie, I’ll keep that in mind. Now, don’t you have something to go do?”

 

“Oh yes! Many things, maybe I should be off.” Marie makes for the door but pauses. “Just to make sure, you do know that you have to heat that up before you serve it, right?”

 

“No Marie, I had no idea. Thank you for clarifying that for little old me.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience 

 

Marie smiles and opens the door. “See you in a couple of hours. And Debra, really, if you need any help around the house,” Marie pauses to gesture around at the kitchen, which already appears relatively clean to anyone but her, “please do let me know. It’s no trouble dear, really. My Raymond deserves a proper homecoming; he doesn’t want to be reminded of dirt.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience as Marie exits

 

Debra stomps over to the table as soon as the door closes. “Can you believe your mother, Ray? It’s almost as if she thinks I can’t keep a clean house for even a minute without her. Can you believe it?”

 

Ray puts his hands around his nose and sneezes. A small cloud of dust and dirt erupts from his nose and covers the table and casserole in a layer of filth.

 

“Thanks Ray. Very helpful.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience as Debra gets a warm rag to run over the table.

 

Opening Credits 

“Hey, I’m Ray and I died here in Long Island. I lived with my wife, Debra. She’s been great with the kids, the house, everything since I died; I don’t know how she does it.

We’ve got a daughter Ally and two twin boys. My parents live across the street, and my brother lives with them. So you can say that we’re close.

Now, not every family would find a way to reanimate you when you die, but mine would because…”

Eeeeeverybody loved Raymond…to death.

 

Scene 1

Interior: Frank and Marie’s Living Room

Robert walks through the front door, fresh off from a shift as police sergeant. When he enters the living room, he notices with sad eyes that Marie is hanging a large banner that says “Happy Funeral Raymond” on it.

 

“Are you kidding me, ma?” Robert asks, crossing the room with four giant steps. “Why are you still throwing a funeral for Ray? He’s not even dead anymore.”

 

“Because he deserves it, Robby. Come on, don’t be that way towards your brother. Here, help me hang this up. I need your long arms for this.”

 

Robert sighs and slumps his shoulders. “Fine ma,” he says, grabbing the banner roughly with one hand.

 

“Oh careful now, Robby, you’ll crinkle it.”

 

“Sorry, ma. You’re right. Heaven forbid that Raymond have a crinkled banner on yet another one of his special days.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Marie swats Robert on the shoulder. “Now you stop that. And there’ll be no talk of Heaven when Raymond is here, are you trying to remind him that he died? That’s insensitive, Robby.”

 

Robert takes a long glance at the banner in his hand. “Yeah ma, we’d hate to remind him that he died. Good call.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

As Robert hangs the banner, Frank enters the room. He isn’t wearing any pants.

 

“Marie, where the hell is my breakfast?”

 

Marie turned to her husband and smacked him on the shoulder too. “Hell? Hell, Frank? We’ll have no talk of hell in this house, not when Raymond is over later.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience 

 

Frank scratches at his large belly. “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re right Marie,” Frank said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “How insensitive of me.” He looks around the room and shakes his head. “So where’s the spread for this thing? I imagine Ray will want some food here. Say, what does a zombie eat anyway? Maybe some lady fingers?” Frank and Robert share a laugh.

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“Oh Frank, you’re terrible!”

 

As Marie and Frank squabble, Robert sees his opening and he flees the room, retreating into the quiet of the kitchen. He grabs a carton of milk from the refrigerator. He taps it to his chin, drinks a swig, and then goes to sit down at the table. A moment later, Debra comes through the kitchen door.

 

“Heya Deb, happy Ray Day.”

 

Debra loudly drops an empty casserole dish on the table. 

 

“Happy Ray Day to you too, Robert. I’m not here, I’m just returning this stupid casserole dish to Marie.”

 

Robert peeks into the empty dish and licks his lips hungrily. “Say Deb, what was in the casserole dish?”

 

Debra fixes him with a sarcastic glare. “I’ll give you three guesses,” she said.

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“Your mother brought it over this morning and Ray sneezed dust all over it. I’m telling you, if you thought Ray was messy before, you haven’t seen anything yet. RayAnimator is a total slob.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“Sorry to hear that, Deb. But I think that I have it a little bit worse over here.”

 

“Oh yeah, you think so Robert? Did you spend the whole morning vacuuming bits of your husband out of the couch cushions?”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Robert tapped the milk to his chin again before taking a long sip. Once done, he wiped his mouth and chin with a massive hand and said, “No Debra, I did not. However, I do not usually do chores on my special day.”

 

“Special day?” Debra asked, confusion apparent on her face.

 

“Yes, special day,” Robert said, straightening up in his chair. “You may not be able to tell because of all the wonderful decorations for Raymond all over the house but today is, in fact, my birthday.”

 

“Your birthday? Your birthday is the same day as Ray’s funeral celebration?”

 

“The very same.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“I’m so sorry Robert, I didn’t realize. With all the craziness of the last few days I -”

 

“Now, now, I don’t blame you Deb. You’ve had plenty to deal with lately, what with Ray dying and all. But still, isn’t that just fitting for my life? I get one day a year to celebrate myself, and this year we’re throwing a party for a corpse instead.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Marie walks into the kitchen from the living room, saying over her shoulder, “Frank, there’s no need to be such an ass.” She notices Debra, then the casserole dish, and then she smiles. “How was the casserole dear? Were you able to heat it up enough? It’s better to use the oven than the microwave you know.”

 

“Yes Marie, thank you.”

 

Marie’s smile widens. “Oh good. I know that Raymond didn’t get to eat enough good food in that house during his last life. I hope that we can do better this time around.”

 

Debra clenches her teeth in a tight smile. “Uh huh,” she said, not daring to say more lest her tone betray her. Marie turns her attention back to Robert.

 

“Robby, why are you hiding in here? And why aren't you using a cup for that? Come on, we need you in the other room.”

 

Robert stands up quickly, the kitchen chair squealing in protest as it slides back. “Actually, Debra was just asking if I’d come over and help her put Ray back to bed, isn’t that right Deb?” Robert’s eyes went wide, mouth twitching, his face begging Debra to back up his fib. Luckily for him, she did.

 

“That’s right Marie, sorry. You know how it is, I’m little and I can’t do anything by myself. I need Robert’s help.” Marie nods her understanding before putting a heavy hand on Debra’s shoulder.

 

“That’s okay dear. I suppose all of us need some help once in a while. Just try not to let him die again while I’m getting this party ready. Do you think you can do that for me, dear?

 

Teeth clenched even tighter, Debra nodded. “Uh huh.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Scene 2

Interior: Ray and Debra’s Living Room

“You know, I’m happy that Ray’s back, I really am, but things aren’t the same. It’s bad enough that I have all of this extra cleaning to do now that Ray’s falling apart. But do you wanna know what the worst part of it is? It’s all the questions. ‘Debra, is it true that Ray died? Debra, is it true that Ray is reanimated? Debra, is it true that you have to return the life insurance money?’”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“And those questions aren’t even the worst! There’s questions from the kids all day too! ‘Mommy, why does daddy smell so bad? Mommy, why doesn’t daddy want to play monster with us? Mommy, what are all the moaning and groaning sounds coming from your bedroom?’ And it’s not even the fun kind of moaning anymore either.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“I get it, Deb. I’m glad he’s back too, but this is still ridiculous. It’s bad enough that he overshadowed me his whole life. Then he drops dead and, still, it’s aaalllllll about Raymond. And then he comes back to life and guess what? He overshadows me again. He could have been reanimated on any day, but he chooses to come back to steal my birthday!”

 

“I know Robert, it’s totally unfair to you.”

 

“It is! Do you know what I got from mom and dad for my birthday last year? A card and a two dollar tie. And now this year, my dead brother is getting a catered event.” Robert sunk deeper into the sofa, sulking.

 

Debra sighs. “You know what Robert, you’re absolutely right. Why don’t we try to have a combo event? We can do a birthday/funeral celebration. What do you say, we’ll have both, a cake and a casket. Sound good?”

 

“That sounds horrible,” a voice from the doorway said. It was Marie, who seemed to materialize out of nowhere.

 

“What’s horrible, Marie?” Debra asked, obviously not wanting to hear the answer. 

 

“Well, for starters, the state of this room. I mean, seriously Debra, when is the last time that you ran a vacuum over the carpet? I can see dirt all over the place.”

 

“Take that up with your son, Marie. His big nose has been cropdusting the house all day. Why don’t you take more care the next time you bury him and plug his nose first?”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Marie ignored her comment and went on. “I’ll come by and vacuum later. I’m still getting things ready over at our place.” Marie paused as she looked around the room with a frown. “Or maybe I’ll vacuum now. It’s worse than a mausoleum in here.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“Yeah ma, we’d hate for our precious Raymond to have a dirty living room. After all, it’s his special day, isn’t it?” Robert asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

 

“It is a special day, Robert. It’s not every day that your son is reborn. Nothing can be more important than a second birth, can it? Let your brother have his special day, it won’t kill you, you know.”

 

Robert nodded and his face twitched as his body went stiff with aggravation.

 

“He already got spoiled for his entire life, Marie. Now we’re celebrating his death and then his second life. How many days do you have to give him? It’s not quite the same as when Jesus came back from the dead you know.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“I know dear. If I was his mother instead of that virgin Mary, he wouldn’t have had to stay in that dusty tomb for three whole days; I would have had him up sooner.” Marie paused and looked around. “Speaking of dusty tombs, I’d better go get my vacuum cleaner.”

 

*Marie exits to canned laughter from the audience

 

From upstairs, Ray moans loudly and calls for Debra. When she gets to her feet, the sound of a sneezing fit is heard. Debra sighs as dust clouds begin to waft down the stairs and coat the contents of the living room. As she watches the mess settle, Debra grumbles, “At this point, I deserve to have my own day too."

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Scene 3

Interior: Frank and Marie’s Living Room

The room is packed full of people who have shown up to pay their respects to Ray, and also celebrate his return. As people wander about and hold conversations, Marie and Frank argue in the corner.

 

“This is friggin’ ridiculous, Marie! Have you seen how much this thing is costing us? What if he dies again? We’re going to end up in the poorhouse!”

 

“Oh Frank, cut that out. He’s our baby, what would you have me do?”

 

“The same thing you’d do for me once I drop. Throw him in a hefty bag and call it a day. Geez-a-loo, these lousy stinking humps at the funeral home are still trying to charge us full-price for the casket when he used it for less than two days!”

 

“Oh, Frank!” Marie covers her face and waves her arms, trying desperately to get Frank to end this conversation. “You can complain all night about the price of things. Right now, I need you to cut it out and put on a happy face for our guests. Do you think that you can manage that, Frank?”

 

Frank smiles. Marie shudders. “Never mind, I forgot that your face always looks like that.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“You’ve been driving everyone up the wall all day, Marie. It’s bad enough I had to put pants on for this, and now you’re attacking my physical features? How rude of you, madam. How very rude of you.”

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry you had to put pants on Frank, what a horrible thing to put you through.”

 

“That’s right, Marie. When I die, I want to be buried without any pants on. That way you can all kiss my derrière more easily.”

 

“When you die Frank, nobody will even notice. They’ll see you sitting on the couch half-naked, remote in hand, potato chip crumbs all over your shirt as you don’t move a muscle. They’ll assume it’s just a regular night for you."

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Marie walks away to greet more people at the door. Frank shakes his head and groans. To himself he laments, “Caterers, casket costs, she even hired someone to play a freaking harp. When I drop dead she won’t even have enough left to spring for flowers.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

More well-wishers arrive at the door. Ray’s coworkers from the paper, other parents from the kids’ school. The room continues to fill up as Frank’s friends from the Caribou Lodge come in as a pack, all whistling and admiring the funeral setup, elbowing each other and murmuring that it’s the type of setup they want when they finally kick the bucket. Marie beams. Frank scowls.

 

Then, there’s a stirring at the door. Debra, dressed all in black, is leading her family from across the street. Bringing up the back of the pack is Ray, who is slowly shuffling and dragging his feet. Finally, with much effort, he makes it to the door.

 

Garvin from the lodge lights up and shakes his hands in the air with joy. “Hey, Ray’s here! Aha ha ha!”

 

The crowd all surges forward, offering both their condolences to Debra and their congratulations to Ray. Ray, feeling awkward with all the attention, waves a stiff hand in greeting. Marie makes her way through the crowd, taking Ray by the hand and leading him to the casket against the far wall.

 

“Now Ray, I’ve had the polyester removed from your casket and replaced with some nice comfortable velvet. I’ve re-fluffed your pillow and I hired the best funeral makeup artist that they had. Now, why don’t you go into the backroom and finish getting ready? They’ll bring some color back to your face and help straighten up your tie. You’ve gotta look your best for your big day.”

 

Ray smiled. One of his teeth fell from his gums and clinked against the floor. “Thanks ma. You’re the best.” Andy and Gianni took Ray under the arms and helped lead him to the backroom where the makeup artist was waiting.

 

“So Ray, makeup huh? Don’t worry buddy, you’ll be the prettiest girl at the party,” Andy mocked.

 

“Yeah, Ray. And at your next doctor visit, maybe you can ask them to do that sex change for you while they’re checking your vitals,” Gianni added. They disappeared into the backroom.

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Frank approached, irritated. “A makeup artist, Marie? What a stupid waste of money.” 

 

“No, a stupid waste of money would be hiring a barber for your funeral,” Marie quipped.

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“Frank’s right Marie, this all does seem a bit extravagant,” Debra said, eyeing the room full of mourners and party guests. “And I know that reanimating Ray wasn’t exactly cheap. Are you sure we can afford all of this? The insurance backed out of paying out the life insurance, you know.”

 

Marie pat Debra’s arm and gave it a squeeze. “Don’t you worry about a thing, dear. I always hide money from Frank, we’ll be just fine. Now, why don’t you relax and just try to enjoy yourself? It’s not often that you can enjoy your husband’s funeral without people making you feel guilty about it. I should know, I’ve been preparing for that since the day I married Frank.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Debra pours herself a generous glass of wine and goes to mingle. Across the room, tucked away in the furthest corner, Robert pouts. He has a large piece of chocolate cake, which he taps to his chin before each bite. Even with a mouthful of delicious cake, Robert is muttering to himself. The words ‘birthday’ and ‘never’ and ‘stupid Ray’ tumble out between bites.

 

“Hey, Robert. Save some of that cake for the rest of us, will ya?”

 

Robert swallowed, but not because of the cake. It was because he looked down and saw one of the last people in the world he ever wanted to see: his brother-in-law Peter. Robert tapped another forkful of cake to his chin.

 

“There’s more in the kitchen, Peter. Why don’t you go help yourself?” Robert shoveled in another bite, hoping that eating would stop a conversation from starting. However, it didn’t.

 

“Couldn’t help but notice all the nice decorations in here, huh? It’s almost like a birthday party in here instead of a funeral.” Robert scowls and takes another big bite.

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“Yeah, it’s real nice the way your parents and your sister-in-law all chipped in to get Ray better. Throw him a welcome back party, too. I remember when my cat died, you remember Miss Puss-Puss don’t you? Well she only needed a minor operation but my parents decided to put her down while I was at the comic book shop.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“So it must be nice to have so many people in your family care about its members. ALL the members of the family. Miss Puss-Puss was more than just a cat.” Peter’s voice breaks and he pauses, biting his fist to help force his emotions back down. “She was a sister,” he managed to squeak out.

 

Robert closed his eyes and wished he was anywhere else in the world at that particular moment. “Speaking of sisters,” he said, changing the subject. “Where’s Amy? She said she’d be here an hour ago.”

 

Peter shrugged. “Not sure. But then again, she wasn’t as close to Ray as I am. Was. No, am. Wait, he’s officially alive now, right? Or does he still count as dead?”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“Either way, Ray and I are compadres. Real copacetic home-fries, you know what I mean? More like brothers than brothers-in-law. In fact, I bet that if he wasn’t having phone issues that day and missing all my calls, he would have helped me pay for poor Puss-Puss’s surgery.”

 

Robert sighed. A murmur went through the room. Robert turned to investigate what caused the commotion and saw that it was Ray, recently returned from the backroom. He had more makeup caked on his face than Robert had cake on his face. “Great,” he muttered. “Now all Ray needs to do is walk into a room and it’s a miracle worthy of applause. The transformation from second born into Jesus Christ himself is now complete.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Robert sighed again but then got lucky. He noticed that Peter was fawning over Ray’s return as well, so Robert slipped away into the kitchen, thankful to have some space from his weirdo brother-in-law. He went to grab another piece of cake but paused when he saw something that made his blood boil.

 

On top of the sheet cake were two written messages. In big, bold red letters made of icing, the words Welcome home, Ray. We love you. And below that, you could just make out the impression of a first message, one that had been written and then erased, covered over with extra frosting and malice. Covered up like a crime, a crime against decency. The first message read: Happy Birthday Robert.

 

Robert’s muttering and facial ticks got worse. He began to pace around the kitchen. At that moment, Frank snuck into the kitchen to rummage around in the fridge.

 

“Dad, I need to talk to you about something.”

 

“Is it about where the milk is? Cuz it’s not where I left it in here.”

 

Robert retrieved the milk from where he had placed it on the counter and he handed it over to Frank. “Here dad. Now look, the thing is -”

 

“The thing is, son, that you don’t move a man’s milk, alright? I always know where everything is in this fridge, it’s part of my system. So if you can keep your big Frankenstein hands off of my stuff that would be great.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience as Robert’s eye twitches

 

“You know dad, I will leave your milk alone from now on, alright? But listen to me, there’s something I’ve been trying to talk to you about. Today, this party, don’t you think it’s not only a bit extravagant, but it also overlooks something else important that happened on this day?”

 

Frank scoffed.

 

“Extravagant? Yeah, I’d call this a little extravagant. Your brother drops dead and your mother wants to take out a second mortgage for a party. When I go, I’d be lucky if she doesn’t just toss me in the trunk with the spare tire.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Robert continued to twitch. “You know dad, it’s not just —”

 

“And another thing!” Frank cut in. “After all that money to bring him back to life, he’s still falling apart! I found one of his fingers in the bathroom sink. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see something like that when you’re brushing your teeth? It’s very unsettling.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“Dad, please, you’re not listen—”

 

“Now, granted, it was the fun finger, the middle one that is. So I brought it to the mechanic since I’ve been wanting to give that jackass the middle finger for years for what he charged me for that new alternator. So I pulled it out of my pocket, threw it in his face and told him to kiss me between the back pockets. Oh boy, if you coulda seen the look on his face.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Robert’s face darkens, he is almost at his limit with being ignored. He lifts a long finger and opens his mouth to speak but is quickly cut off by a frantic Marie.

 

“Robby, what are you doing fooling around in here? You’ve got to go get ready, you’re giving the eulogy soon.”

 

“Excuse me?! I’m giving the eulogy? Since when?” Robert’s twitching grew worse. He began to frantically spin in place, unsure of what to do.

 

Marie frowned. “Well, since always, dear. What did you expect? I’m already hosting, Debra is as good a speaker as she is a cook. And your father, well, your father is an illiterate ass. So it comes down to you.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“You know ma, a little heads up would have been nice.”

 

“Heads up? What kind of a heads up do you need? Your brother dropped dead, Robert, and you didn’t think that you’d have to say a few words? Come on now, I raised you better than that.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience as Frank and Marie leave the room. Robert, looking stressed and forlorn, grabs a giant piece of cake with his bare hand, taps it to his chin, and shoves the whole thing into his mouth.

 

Scene 4

Interior: Frank and Marie’s Living Room

The living room is packed to capacity. The gathered crowd is murmuring with anticipation as Robert nervously paces in front of a casket containing his little brother. In the casket, Ray does his best to sit still and keep his eyes closed, trying not to destroy the illusion of a funeral service. 

 

Warren and Lois, Debra’s parents, settle into a pair of chairs in the front row. Warren leaned over and asked his wife, “Why doesn’t Ray do the eulogy? He’s the writer in the family.”

 

Lois places a hand on Warren’s leg and squeezes. “Because he’s dead, Warren. That wouldn’t make too much sense, now would it?”

 

Warren shook his head and sighed. “You know what doesn’t make sense? Canceling a trip to Barbados to attend a funeral service for someone who is still alive.”

 

“Oh hush, Warren, it’s the polite thing to do. Besides, we’ve been to Barbados before.”

 

Warren scoffed. “Still. Having Ray here and not having him do the eulogy, it’s just a missed opportunity. Talk about a once in a lifetime opportunity for a writer. And Robert, well, we both know that he’s not much of a writer. Or a speaker.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

The harp player plucks out a rendition of Jungle Love by the Steve Miller Band. Everyone begins to take their seats and hush their conversations. Robert is reluctantly heading to the front of the room, being pushed along despite his protestations by Frank and Marie. “I hope that when I die, at least you let me stay dead!” Robert hissed at his parents a little too loudly. Finding himself at the front of the packed room, Robert nervously smiles and runs a finger beneath his shirt collar as he overheats.

 

Looking out over the crowd, Robert grimaces and then begins.

 

“So..uhhh…how’s everybody doing today?” Nothing but silence greets him. “Geez, who’s dead here, Ray or you guys?” Silence again from the crowd, except for some low murmurs of disapproval.

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Robert continues to sweat, his eye twitching involuntarily. Ray opened his eyes slightly and knocked his fist against the side of the casket to get Robert’s attention. Turning to face his brother, Robert hissed, “What? What is it now, Ray?”

 

“I was just wondering if you knew the score from the Mets game?”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“No, shut up! Just lay there quietly so I can do this, will ya?”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Robert turned back to the waiting crowd, an overly large smile plastered to his face, giving him the look of a mental patient. “Now, where was I?” Robert taps his foot nervously but sees Amy enter at the back of the room. She was running late but she was here now, and her presence helped Robert calm down a bit.

 

“When I was a kid, I used to think that Ray got everything. Now, normally, when you’re the oldest, you would be the one with all the new things and the younger brother would get all the hand-me-downs. However, since Ray was the favorite, and he never quite hit his growth spurt like I did, it seemed like he always got the latest and greatest things.”

 

The audience murmurs again, but this time it sounds more positive. Robert is noticeably becoming more confident in his words.

 

“In his first life, Ray got the attention, the accolades, the good hairline. And now? He’s got a second chance at life too. Some of us can’t even get a decent shift at work and Ray, well, he is apparently eternal.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

“You know, when Ray first came back, I felt conflicted. I wasn’t sure which felt worse, losing my little brother, or getting him back only to have to share my birthday with his resurrection lunch.”

 

The crowd chuckles. Frank leans over to Marie and says a little loudly, “Holy crap, it’s his birthday today?”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Robert hangs his head, but only for a moment. When he looks up again, there is a sort of peace that has come over his face. Robert smiles down at his brother for a moment before he finishes.

 

“You know, all kidding aside, when Ray was gone, I’ll admit, the house felt emptier. With nobody to compare myself to, I felt like I had lost a big piece of me. A piece that I had taken for granted. Maybe it was jealousy, maybe it was something else, I don’t know. But what I do know is this: I missed my little brother.”

 

*The audience and the crowd both ‘aawwwwww’

 

“As much as I enjoyed being the only child for a couple of days, I missed him. Because no matter how much he drives me crazy, no matter how much he overshadows my milestones or even steals my very day of birth, he’s still my little brother.” Robert takes a moment and glances down at Ray in his casket. “I love you, Cubby.”

 

Ray smiles up at his big brother. 

 

“I love you too, RoberrrrrRRrrrRr.” All at once Ray starts to shake in his casket and his eyes roll back in his skull.

 

“Holy crap!” Frank shouted. “He’s dead! Again!”

 

Marie wails and jumps out of her seat, draping her body dramatically over Ray’s body. “No! My baby, my baby boy! Don’t worry, I’ll bring you back. I’ll bring you back again, do you hear me?”

 

At Marie’s declaration, Robert’s eyes go wide. Thunder rumbles outside as the entire room begins to descend into chaos.

 

Tag Scene

Interior: Ray and Debra’s Kitchen. Night time.

Debra is sitting on the couch, slippered feet kicked up and resting on the coffee table. The TV screen is bright but the set is playing at a low volume. In Debra’s hand she is clutching a large wine glass, filled to the brim with a deep ruby liquid. Behind her, Debra can hear a moaning from the top of the steps.

 

“What are you doing up, sweetheart? I’d think you’d be tired after such a big party. And, you know, from dying for the second time and everything.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience as Ray enters the living room. 

 

Ray is still wearing his Sunday’s finest, the suit that he was buried in. The sleeve on the left side is hanging down limply, flapping weakly in the breeze of the AC. When Ray finally manages to make his way down the sheer staircase, he is clearly off-balance, no doubt caused by him missing his left arm. Ray stumbles into the living room, leaning against the back of the couch for support.

 

“What did you lose this time Ray? Your phone again? Your wallet? More of your teeth? Because I heard that the kids were collecting those and selling them at school so kids can trick the tooth fairy.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

Ray lifts his empty sleeve and smiles sheepishly. Debra sighs and sets her wine glass down. She searches along the floor until she spots Ray’s arm, which is lying lifeless and still clutching the remote control.

 

“I was wondering where that was,” Debra said, snatching the remote from Ray’s cold dead fingers. “I was stuck watching stupid sports highlights.”

 

*Canned laughter from the audience

 

As Ray attempts to reattach his arm, Debra goes back to the couch. She changes the channel to one she wanted to watch and she sips her wine again. Using his detached limb, Ray gently taps Debra on the shoulder.

 

“What? What is it now, Ray? What did you forget now?”

 

“Just one thing,” Ray said slowly. Then, he smiles and leans over, kissing Debra.

 

“I love you, Deb.”

 

“I love you too, Ray.”

 

*The audience ‘awwwwwwwws’

 

Ray shuffles back towards the stairs but pauses.

 

“You know, Deb,” Ray said, a playful tone in his voice. “You know what we haven’t done since I got back?” He wags his eyebrows, which was a mistake as it causes his eyes to come a little bit loose. Debra looks on with a grimace.

 

“Sorry, Ray. There's a limit to the things I'd like to pick up off the floor if they fall off. But you’ve got yourself a hand again, so why don’t you just help yourself?”

 

Ray looked down at his detached arm and shrugs.

 

*Canned laughter from the audience